Working mother angst
I’ve had a rough time the last couple weeks with JR’s day care situation. It comes in waves, really. Some days I have no problem with it at all, others I get choked up dropping him off and fight off chest pains throughout the day because I miss him so much.
I love my job. I really do. And thankfully it gives me a lot of flexibility — after all, I do get to spend most Fridays with him. But I still have a hard time with the fact that when you look at his waking hours during the week, JR is with his day care teachers slightly more than he is with us.
Day care has been great for him. He’s the youngest in his class, an arrangement that I think has been great for his verbal development. He loves his teachers, rarely gets sad when we drop him off (and if he is, he easily goes to his teachers for comfort), and is always, always, always happy when we pick him up at the end of the day.
But still.
I worry about his friendships. He has little friends in his class, but we don’t really know their parents, so there’s little chance to grow those relationships outside of school — and our already insane schedules don’t really cater to extracurricular hangouts. Meanwhile, I have friends with kids his age, but we also don’t have a lot of opportunities to hang out with them (other than church, etc.), so he doesn’t really have a chance to grow those relationships either. I realize he’s not even 2 years old, but I think about these things.
I worry about paying for it. We’re still at a point where it makes sense financially for me to keep working, but it pains me to write that check each week.
I worry about emergencies. Obviously he’s in good hands at school, but if something were to happen to him and I weren’t there…oh, let’s not talk about that anymore.
Most of all, I worry about missing things. His teachers are great about letting us know about his day, but on those evenings when he’s a raging maniac and we face tantrum after tantrum, I wonder if something happened (however small) that threw him off.
Oh, what to do? I love this kid and I want to make sure I’m doing right by him. What that looks like? I have not a clue.
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This got me thinking. My wife’s been 100% stay-at-home & she’s not one of those “hustle ‘em off to structured activities” types. To the contrary, they have a LOT of days that today’s activist moms would probably clutch their pearls over but we call “free play”, which is to say, trains, airplanes, PBS Kids, etc. Our 5yo, who’s starting kindergarten tomorrow, has had a couple of years of preschool and a gym class but it’s not like he’s been in little-kid society for most of his life. And you know what? Perfectly normal. In fact, maybe even TOO friendly…he’ll walk up to other kids and ask them their names, then introduce me or my wife or his little brother, and what kills me is how some of those other kids will give him blank stares like they’ve never seen a friendly child. And both of mine say “please” and “thank you” and “that’ll be great” to restaurant servers and I’ve got neighbors who don’t believe that my 2yo has ever not been happy (but oh yes, he can throw down when he’s upset). Little brother is taking his cues from big brother, too…you can see him learning every day.
The thing it all comes around to is, you & Ross (or any other parent/set of parents) will see reflected in your child the behavior that you set as an example. He’ll have off days just like you, but he’ll be a microcosm of your selves. So in that respect, you have nothing to gain from worrying about his friendships & relationship with the world (unless you happen to be very unhappy with your own, which I don’t believe you are).
The other things, like the money and the emergencies and stuff…I agree entirely that it’s easy to focus on those fears but once you set your safeguards in place, just live smartly and believe you’re strong enough to cross those bridges if you ever come to them.
Count me with Jeb here with a caveat. I think there are two sets of choices here (not exclusive) – what you need, and what JR might need/benefit from. Val, you and Ross shape JR’s life in real, solid and essential ways every single moment you are with him – I can tell you that he is soaking up every aspect of how you relate, engage and converse. And soaking it in far deeper ways than he soaks up the social rules of the playground.
Very early on, we made a different set of choices for Thea – initially because we could afford to, and then because we chose to afford to (last year was tough!). When I look around at her peer group, I see a huge set of differences in personality, behavior, brains, etc. They seem to me to be more driven by how the child is parented than by their daycare situation.
Having said that, it is very cool that Nikole knows and is connected to so many of Thea’s friends’ parents. And we work hard to connect with parents in our neighborhood when I get home from work – chatting on the street, hanging at the Holton playground. It was pretty amazing yesterday to realize how connected we are with what will likely be her elementary school community when we turned out to chalk the school sidewalks (and play on the swings) with another 20 kids (ages one week to grade 6) and their parents.
Blah, blah, blah. I suppose all I’m trying to say is that we’re all trying, we’re all doing our best work, and those of us who work hard to set the best examples of what it means to be in community, to have friends, to show respect, to hug and say thank you, are probably the most nervous parents in the universe. And, you know what, we’re still going to get something wrong!
Sit down with Ross (and JR) and talk about what you want your life to look like, and what you hope JR’s life will look like, and start working in small ways to create it. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing! Your little family has already gotten through the first 10% of they journey, and you’re doing fine.
No real advice from me but I can only guess at what a struggle that must be.. but you’ve got yourself a healthy and happy little man there, and that’s the most important thing. x
Let’s have playdates on Fridays!
Mama, I am right there with you. Like, exactly, except my kid is only 4.5 months old.
For me the worst part is the going back and forth… I’ve gone to part-time now, so I’m only in the office 3 days a week (starting last week), but when I had my first full week day off last week, I thought, “CRAP! THIS is what I want to do! I want to be a stay-at-home mom!” But then I questioned if maybe that’s what I want only because it’s what I’m not? And would I be able to provide Jon with the socialization he’ll get at daycare if I did stay home all the time? And would I still be as enraptured with him/being home all the time if that’s all I did every single day?
It’s the not knowing what the alternate would look like that’s driving me nutso. I am so used to being able to examine two (or more) options fully and make an educated decision, but this type of thing requires a crystal ball, and I ain’t got one of those.
Hang in there, Val. You are an awesome mother/wife/woman!
I have now been on both sides of mommy-angst, and totally understand your struggle. When Abby was in daycare, I felt guilty because we didn’t spend enough time with her, I worried about friendships and tantrums, and I struggled with thoughts of just staying home with her.
Then, right before she turned 2, we had the opportunity for me to stay home with her and I leaped at the chance. (Of course there were major budget changes, including downsizing our house.) While I have LOVED every second of being home with her, I was really looking forward to preschool starting so she could once again have structured play and interaction. Not to mention, a little independence. (I had her in little gym and soccer, and she has other neighborhood friends, but it wasn’t the same.)
Now that I’m due with my second, I’m super excited to see everything I missed with Abby, but still feel slightly guilty that he’s going to miss out on all the wonderful aspects of daycare. (to the point that I’m thinking of trying some part-time work options when he gets a little older, just so he can experience it. maybe try my hand at writing? Who knows.)
Anyway, moral of the story….every mommy has angst over their situation. It sounds like you have the best of both worlds with the flexible schedule/part time hours?
Also, for the concern over friends. Age 2 was when a lot of the daycare moms started making more of an effort to get the kids together/get to know each other. Maybe ask his teachers who he gravitates to and send a note about a playdate?
And tantrums: Abby had those too, especially after a particularly stimulating day at daycare. It was always described to us as being a release from the day. Home with Mom and Dad is a safe zone, and a place where he can just let it all out and know that everything will ok. Sometimes time outs worked, but for the really epic tantrums I found a bear hug and soothing words of “it’s ok” and “mommy’s here” worked best. Abby used to fight the hug at first, but I just held on and eventually she realized she was safe and could calm down.
Good luck with whatever you decide!
Oh, Val, I can imagine that all of this is so hard! I’m sorry for the stress this causes you. I hope you can find some peace about everything soon.
As you know, taking Libby to daycare full time makes me want to die. I am sending you an Internet hug because I don’t know what else to do.
For whats its worth, I know 100% without a doubt that no matter what you are a great mom. So theres that. Love you!
forgive all of the typos in that post – i know how much they must annoy you!
I feel your pain. I have 3 boys ages 14, 11, and 7. I know exactly how you feel. All I can say is——-don’t let your lifestyle dictate whether or not you work. Don’t get into the situation where you have to work to pay the bills. Live simple. I am only saying this from experience. My husband’s job situation prevented me from being a stay-at-home mom. I got to be one for it seems like a minute. I’m sure I have some bitter feelings because of his unemployment. You will get through this and your child will be a well-adjusted kid with lots of experiences and friends.
Don’t beat yourself up about working. But if you can quit for a few years, quit. You will find like I am finding with a teenager–they need you more when they are teenagers than ever. To keep an eye on them! To monitor their activities!