The Christmas Diet Coke Kitties Miracle Surprise

A little after 12:30 today, I got JR settled with his lunch and headed out the back door to take out the trash.

Imagine my surprise when I saw this:

That’s four (4) kittens. Sitting in a Diet Coke box. On my back porch. I thought I was hallucinating, but then one squeaked at me. I don’t know why a potentially hallucinated kitten squeaking proves it’s real, but I just went with it.

Shortly before that picture was taken, the kittens’ mama darted off the back porch and into the bushes that line our fence. Her name is Lady Cat.

Ok, her name isn’t really Lady Cat (at least to the best of my knowledge), but that’s what I call her.

Lady Cat has been hanging out around our yard for about six months. I didn’t know if she was a stray or an outdoor cat or whatever, but she never caused any trouble, so I didn’t pay her much mind. She just liked to hang out on our side porch, which we never use anyway, so what did I care? We have an understanding, Lady Cat and I.

After finding cover in the bushes, Lady Cat peered over at me. I felt like she was saying one of two things:

1. Meow meow meow hiss meow meow

or

2. Dear Human Lady who kindly gives me use of that porch thingy, here are my young. I have placed them in this box festooned with the logo of your favorite beverage as a way of branding them as yours. Please care for them as you do that large-headed stumbly loud thing that likes to come outside sometimes and throw mulch and sing “Life is a Highway.”

Welp, either way, the kitties had to go.

Look, I like cats. I LOVE kittens even. But I have a husband who hates cats. And I have two big dumb dogs. And I have LIMITS. I’m already responsible for the eating and pooping habits of too many other creatures in this house that I…I JUST CAN’T.

So I called Animal Control, just like the websites for the SPCA and our local human society told me to. A couple hours later, they sent over a nice man who was about two inches shorter than me and kept calling me “Baby Doll.” I guess maybe I was less offended by this because I knew I could pummel him if needed? I dunno.

Anyway, I took him out back and tried to show him where the kittens were; by that point they had scattered into various places in the yard. When he found out their mother was still around, he said there wasn’t much they could do — they don’t like to separate the kittens from the mother because it lowers their chance for survival. Then he told me to sprinkle cayenne pepper all over the yard so they would go away. And THEN he told me never to handle kitty litter because it will make me and my baby sick. When I told him I wasn’t pregnant he said, “You will be.” And THEEEEEEEN he told me that he has a four bedroom house that probably costs way less than my house.

I just blinked a lot and smiled until he left.

So Lady Cat and her four bastard children are now currently squatting in various places in our yard. I’m guessing the dogs will probably scare them off pretty soon, and that will be that.

But it was a really nice surprise, nonetheless.

2 thoughts on “The Christmas Diet Coke Kitties Miracle Surprise

  1. WHAT? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT????

    I cannot decide if I am more shocked by the kittens or the TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE conversation you had with that man. There are people on my block who will take the cats . . . I feel certain! :) (I AM NOT ONE OF THEM.)

  2. We have a Mama Cat who is most definitely a stray. She birthed her kittens in our neighbor’s yard, right against our shared fence and then abandoned one of them. So now we have cats.

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