Shaking it off
“I’m a shell. I have nothing to offer anyone right now.”
This is what I said to Ross as I sat crying on the couch in our basement this afternoon.
I’m not happy with how I’ve been approaching pretty much everything in my life these days. I greet every request with exasperation, sometimes outwardly, always inwardly. I’m defensive, passive aggressive, and mopey.
And really, no one is more pissed off about it than I am.
I have a beautiful, healthy child, a wonderful, smart, hard-working husband, and not only a job, but one that I love. I have absolutely nothing to complain about.
So it’s high time I shut up. So here I am. Shutting up.
From here on out I’m going to do my best to focus on the great parts of my life, refusing to let the mess of the everday suck up so much of my energy. It’s not worth it. I spend so much time anticipating the next thing that has to be done that I’m not allowing myself to be present in the moment at hand. And before I know it, I’ll look up and JR will no longer be my little boy, and I will have spent his babyhood fixated on the mundane rather than the miracle that he is. And that’s not fair.
He’s enough. They are enough.
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Don’t be too hard on yourself. Your hormones are still out of whack, and will continue to be so for a little while after you finish up weaning (although how you can deprive that poor, famished-looking child of all the nutrients you can provide is beyond me, and I’m kidding so don’t hit me).
Exercise. Endorphins. Go to the markets, get good organic salad stuff, do some situps with your twenty-pound weight sitting on your chest, grinning at his silly mommy.
I said those EXACT words to my sister yesterday. I so appreciate you putting it out there. It’s a tough thing to share – we want everyone to believe that we can DO IT ALL and really that’s not fair to us or to anyone else.
Hang in there. I’m going to take your lead and do my best to focus on the positive. My boys are worth it too.
you’re awesome!!!
I remember feeling like this and having a little fit over water from the lettuce spilling on the kitchen floor! Hmm, I don’t think that was the real problem! That was the point at which I decided I needed to find some time away from home and ended up getting a part time job. Good luck, take care!
Val, I so needed to hear that, as I have been feeling/behaving similarily. We should talk about it.
you are doing great, i think you are amazing!
much love!
ugh…I needed this one too. bad.