First step (reprise)
A while ago I started getting a familiar (but highly unwelcome) feeling — a feeling that I couldn’t shake no matter what I did.
For me, depression has always felt…heavy. You know those aprons they put on you at the dentist’s office when you get X-rays? It’s like wearing an entire coat made of that stuff. A coat you can’t take off. Pair that with a constant undercurrent of anxiety, and you end up with quite a mess.
Currently, I am that mess.
I’ve dealt with depression off and on since 2004. Back then it was severe enough to go on medication. I got off the medication about two years later and managed to control things fairly well through exercise and behavioral changes. When I went off the medication, my doctor told me that there was a chance I’d have to go back on it at some point in my life; depression isn’t something that really just goes away, and certain life circumstances can cause symptoms to “flare up” if you will.
When he said that to me, I nodded and said I understood. But I was convinced that I had gotten this thing under control and he would not be seeing me again (at least not for this issue).
Well. My doctor and I had a little visit yesterday. Ok, a long visit. A long visit in which I cried a lot and said things like…
“I can’t shake this off.”
“My son deserves a mother who isn’t checked out emotionally.”
and the clincher…
“I feel like I cannot take one more step without some help.”
So last night I got a new prescription filled. And to be honest, I was bummed.
No. I was pissed off.
I’m pissed off that for whatever reason, I can’t just snap out of these things. I’m pissed off that there’s something wrong with my body chemistry that sometimes prevents me from being the best version of myself. And I’m pissed off at myself for waiting so long to address the problem this time.
The plan is to keep the dosage very low for a while. I go back in a month to see how things are going. Overall, we’re hoping that I’ll just need to be on this prescription for about 6 months. By then, I should be at a point where I’ll be ready to turn to other options, like exercise, to help control this. (I would love to have been able to make exercise work this time, but when you can barely convince yourself to leave the house or talk to the people you love, you’re not exactly itching to go out for a run.)
Despite the frustration I felt yesterday, today I’m feeling better. It feels good to recognize that something is off and to do something about. It feels good to take care of myself.
I don’t know why I feel the need to share such a personal thing in this space, but here we are. Maybe because I know a lot of you can relate? Maybe because I know a lot of you are going through the same thing and need to feel like you aren’t the only one? Whatever it is, I’m thankful that you’re listening.
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I love that you share this stuff…I think we become too obsessed with appearing perfect, and less ends up being meaningfully shared. You always defy that, and I love it. I love you and am glad you know you have supportive friends and readers.
I’ve been there, in fact I am currently there. Saying home is the most amazing thing you can do for your child but it’s unfortunately one of those “life changes” or “stressors” that bring this sort of thing on. Keep sharing, I know it always helps me to know there are other’s going through te same thing. Hope this blip on the radar passes quickly for you!
Kudos to you for sharing this, my friend. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but know you are not alone. While I haven’t really been diagnosed with a chemical imbalance, I can totally relate to certain life circumstances bringing out a version of myself I don’t like, and I feel frustrated that I can’t pull myself out of the mess I feel like I’ve made. If talking to another mom ever feels like what you need, I’m all ears. xoxo
Thanks for having the courage to share this. I started medication last week and should have done so a long time ago. It took a lot of courage to seek help. It’s a relief to know that I’m not alone. Keep your chin up!
Thank you for sharing this – for having the courage to seek help and to write about your experience. I can totally relate to what you wrote about. Know that you are not alone, and that you have lots of love, support, and understanding around you. Seriously, you can get in touch ANY TIME you want to talk. xoxo
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Val, thank you for writing about this. And, thank you for always having the courage to be so open and honest about these things. Back in September, I was finally ready to talk to my doctor about my *feelings* and the ever present sadness. I have to admit, you were one of the main reasons that I actually had the guts to go, and to say yes to medication. You always speak so frankly and made me feel a little less crazy to feel so sad even when my life is just about as great as they come. Thanks for being a fantastic blogger and beautiful friend.
For me, the worst part of depression is feeling alone about the whole thing and having just pure guilt from being depressed in the first place. I think that it’s super important for people to openly discuss it and make depression an ok thing to admit. I think it’s brave as hell to do it on an online forum. Kudos to you my friend.
i can empathize, lady. hugs…and hang in there. it doesn’t mean that you’re broken or “less than” – everyone deals with ongoing issues and at least yours is treatable!
i’m just coming off my meds (for anxiety and OCD) after 4 years. i keep thinking that, since my life is more “stable” now that i’ll be able to keep my worries in check. so far…it’s been the hardest month i’ve had in a long time. lots of tears. lots of stress. but i want to have a med-free life if possible, so i have to try.
xoxo
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