I started to feel it at around 4:30 this afternoon: the feeling of dread that suffocated me for almost two years.
I managed to shake it off until I got home. Then Ross asked me to do something in a non-friendly tone (not because he was being mean, but because he was in the middle of cooking dinner while a puddle was forming on our kitchen floor) and I found myself in tears. But just for a minute. And that’s the difference between then and now.
Now, rather than sinking into it like I used to (and taking to my bed like I used to), I’m pissed.
Now, I refuse to buy into it.
Now, I’m choosing to push through it, every minute and every day until it’s gone again. The more I do it, the fewer and farther between these spells are.
Yes, I know this is my third post for the day. I have much to say.
So, apparently I don’t need sleep anymore. I slept ALL THE TIME when I was on the anti-anxiety, pro-fat-ass pills. Now that I am meds-free (and still anxiety-free…well, mostly) I have no real desire or need to take naps. Like ever. Even on Saturdays when I would (until recently) wake up at 11 and then start yawning and dozing at around 1. Now I can get up on Saturdays, function as a human being for several hours, and maybe take a nap if I have exhausted all possibilities for fun and can’t think of anything else to do. I used to come home from work and sleep for 2 hours pretty much every single day. That’s been replaced by seeing my husband and getting exercise. What a nice change.
So this has been my first week completely off of Lexapro. I’ve spent the last few weeks lowering my dosage but last Saturday marked my first time being completely off of it for almost 2 years. Boy howdy am I glad that this week fell during Spring Break and not during a time where I had to, oh I don’t know, function in any capacity.
It hasn’t been terrible, just odd. The absence of it in my system combined with the antibiotic I was on for bronchitis made me have no appetite whatsoever. I seriously think my stomach shrank. I lost about 6 lbs. in a week. Sure, it’s nice to see that on the scale, but it wreaks havoc on your body. It was like all of the systems in my body were freaking out and arguing with each other. Luckily that seems to have balanced out a bit. I actually want to eat and I’m letting myself eat whatever I want at this point so I can feel normal again. I’ll worry about eating really well once my brain is balanced back out.
Apparently the best thing for the withdrawal systems is to just sleep. When you’re sleeping you’re not aware of the craziness going on, and part of the withdrawal is being exhausted, so I guess it works out. I’m a little nervous about having to go back to work tomorrow. I have yet to deal with actual stress without medicinal help in quite a long time. By the grace of God, however, we have a few relatively normal weeks coming up so I can ease back into the chaos.
Prayers for an easy transition would be appreciated. I’m having a hard time with the fact that there is a very real possibility that this won’t work and I’ll have to go back on it or some variation of it. And by hard time I mean breaking down into tears in line at Wal-Mart with poor Ross having no clue what’s going on.
Apparently one of the side effects of going off of Lexapro is a tingling sensation, sometimes described as “electric shocks.” Boy howdy, that has kicked in today. I wouldn’t describe it as an “electric shock” but rather “pins and needles.” All over my body. All of the time. It’s not painful, just weird. Stretching and massages are apparently the best treatment for this. Gift certificates or cash donations will be accepted.
I talked to my doctor last week and we came to a decision. It’s time for me to try going of my anti-anxiety medication. I’ve been on it for almost two years and I was ready to give myself a chance. He was really wonderful about the whole thing. I think a lot of doctors would have just said “Ok” and sent me on my way. After a couple days of phone tag, we actually got to talk about it in depth. He asked me why I wanted to go off of it and what coping strategies I was going to use instead. We talked about the importance of keeping up the exercise and the strategy of saying “no” to things (and people) that expose me to unnecessary stress. He assured me if it doesn’t work out that I shouldn’t be disappointed in myself and we will figure out the best thing to do next. And to think I was actually going to switch doctors.
