Made in Richmond

A while ago I started getting a familiar (but highly unwelcome) feeling — a feeling that I couldn’t shake no matter what I did.

For me, depression has always felt…heavy. You know those aprons they put on you at the dentist’s office when you get X-rays? It’s like wearing an entire coat made of that stuff. A coat you can’t take off. Pair that with a constant undercurrent of anxiety, and you end up with quite a mess.

Currently, I am that mess.

I’ve dealt with depression off and on since 2004. Back then it was severe enough to go on medication. I got off the medication about two years later and managed to control things fairly well through exercise and behavioral changes. When I went off the medication, my doctor told me that there was a chance I’d have to go back on it at some point in my life; depression isn’t something that really just goes away, and certain life circumstances can cause symptoms to “flare up” if you will.

When he said that to me, I nodded and said I understood. But I was convinced that I had gotten this thing under control and he would not be seeing me again (at least not for this issue).

Well. My doctor and I had a little visit yesterday. Ok, a long visit. A long visit in which I cried a lot and said things like…

“I can’t shake this off.”

“My son deserves a mother who isn’t checked out emotionally.”

and the clincher…

“I feel like I cannot take one more step without some help.”

So last night I got a new prescription filled. And to be honest, I was bummed.

No. I was pissed off.

I’m pissed off that for whatever reason, I can’t just snap out of these things. I’m pissed off that there’s something wrong with my body chemistry that sometimes prevents me from being the best version of myself. And I’m pissed off at myself for waiting so long to address the problem this time.

The plan is to keep the dosage very low for a while. I go back in a month to see how things are going. Overall, we’re hoping that I’ll just need to be on this prescription for about 6 months. By then, I should be at a point where I’ll be ready to turn to other options, like exercise, to help control this. (I would love to have been able to make exercise work this time, but when you can barely convince yourself to leave the house or talk to the people you love, you’re not exactly itching to go out for a run.)

Despite the frustration I felt yesterday, today I’m feeling better. It feels good to recognize that something is off and to do something about. It feels good to take care of myself.

I don’t know why I feel the need to share such a personal thing in this space, but here we are. Maybe because I know a lot of you can relate? Maybe because I know a lot of you are going through the same thing and need to feel like you aren’t the only one? Whatever it is, I’m thankful that you’re listening.

Earlier today, JR helped his Mamaw bake cookies. I did not help bake them, but I will help eat them.

My incredibly generous in-laws are heading up a renovation of our kitchen. It’s been a bit crazy for the last couple weeks, but things are coming along quickly. It’s so nice to have cabinets that don’t squawk when you open them.

Last week, JR and I ran into some friends at Maymont, a local park that has farm animals and lots of great gardens. During a quick break from our stroll, he and his friend decided to climb this big hill. They both got nervous walking back down by themselves, so I scurried up there to retrieve them. As we made our way back down, I reminded them to help each other. JR took his friend’s hand, and they held on to each other the rest of the way down, laughing the entire time.

I wasn’t there for this (Ross was) so I didn’t take this picture (Ross did), but the entire city of Richmond is completely consumed by the fact that VCU made it to the Final Four. This includes me. I didn’t go to VCU and I have never cared about basketball, but I actually couldn’t sleep last night. It’s just awesome to see all of Richmond so stoked about something so positive. I can’t get enough.

***

So tell me, what’s up with you these days?

I don’t think I’ve shared this little tidbit with you, but I made a promise to myself a long time ago that somehow, someday, I would convince someone to name a sandwich after me.

(I just really, really love sandwiches ok? I’m much like Joey Tribbiani.)

Turns out, all it took was me saying so on Twitter.

(And knowing someone who actually *owns* a restaurant that specializes in sandwiches. Why it never occurred to me, during the numerous years I’ve known this person, to actually share my goal with her, I’ll never know. I’m not so good at connecting the dots.)

Anyway, on Wednesday night, I posted this tweet:

A few minutes later, this restaurant owner (who has her tweets protected, so I won’t link, etc.) said “I can totally do that. What’s the key ingredient?”

I then spent the remainder of the evening tweeting at her to stop teasing me and not thinking that this — this MAGNIFICENT DREAM — was going to happen.

The next morning, she tweeted this to me: “Done. The Valerie. Available while supplies last.” She even posted a picture on the restaurant’s Facebook page, so it was totally legit.

I then had this conversation with Ross on gchat:

Me: THAT IS MY SANDWICH
IT IS ON THE GARNETT’S FACEBOOK
I HAVE A SANDWICCCCCHHHH

Ross: that is incredible!
let’s go eat it for dinner!
i like that your sandwich is a bologna sandwich
ITS PERFECT

Me: I KNOWWWWWWWWWW

Ross: babe
i am in love with you
is that ok?

Me: YESSSS AND I HAVE A SANDWICH!!!!!!!!

(My priorities, they are clear.)

So, later that evening, Ross and took JR to meet my in-laws for dinner so we could all try The Valerie — we had to act quickly because it was just their special for the day. And here’s a crappy picture!

Lebanon Sweet Bologna and Swiss cheese on a Ciabatta roll (which happens to be my most FAVORITE kind of roll). It also involved some kind of mustard that gave the whole sandwich quite a “zing.” Fitting, no? I have zing. Or I’m zingish, at least.

(Also, that Cane Cola pictured in the background is fantastic. I don’t remember the brand. It’s “Boy-something” as you can see in the picture. I am no help to you. But know that you should be drinking it.)

So anyway, the moral of this story? If you want to achieve a life goal, all you have to do is whine about it on Twitter until a local business owner you know by happenstance notices and decides to humor you.

(Thanks, Kendra. You’re a peach.)

I was going to write a big, reflective* post about this, but, quite frankly, I’m busy hanging out with my awesome kid. So know this:

Monday was my first day as a (mostly**) Stay-At-Home-Mother. I’m stoked and totally terrified. But it’s going to be awesome, I just know it.

Yeah, he’s pretty excited too.***

*You can read about my official exit here.
**I’ll still be working for our church on Wednesdays mornings and Thursday afternoons. JR will be in daycare on those days — at least until we’re too broke to afford it.
***Yes, he’s holding an iPhone. We removed all the apps off of my old one, and he uses it as a camera. You can check out his photos here.

Eating my weight in peanut M&Ms.

Taking a walk in the snow with my little guy.

Getting a little flashback of ridiculous adventures of my youth during a Christmas night party with old friends. (It involved catching an owl. Don’t worry, the animal control people told us to.)

Hearing JR say “I wanna do my ornament” each evening as he added to his Advent tree.

(Yes, his Advent tree is black.)

Spending evenings watching movies and not working (even if I had to pay for it last week…and possibly this coming week)

Watching my almost 100-year-old Grandma (her birthday is on Wednesday) have a nice little chat with JR.

Seeing my little boy enjoy his wonderful Christmas gifts.

(It takes everything I am to not pull these trains out for a little therapeutic building time during JR’s naps or after he’s gone to bed.)

Being left speechless.

(That is what you think it is. I don’t think I’ll ever need another gift in my life.)

I hope your holidays were filled with nice little somethings as well. I’d love to hear about them in the comments.

(Next up: JR now sleeps in a bed. The crib is in storage at my in-laws’ house. And I’m still crying in the corner.)

(All of these images were taken with Instagram, my new most favorite thing. If you have an iPhone and you’re not on it, get on it. My user name is ValerieCatrow. Let’s be Instagram friends!)

The holidays didn’t kill me. I’m still here, just very busy.

So until I can return with more something substantial to say, here’s a picture of JR totally unimpressed with a grilled cheese sandwich.

For my wonderful, supportive, and funny husband

For my happy, healthy, and absurdly adorable son

For the amazing women in my life who blow my mind daily by starting businesses, telling stories, taking chances, teaching the world about kindness, being completely amazing mothers, making people laugh (and think) (I couldn’t link to all of them because you’d be reading this all day)

For the love that JR has from his grandparents (I sometimes forget how lucky he is to actually know all of them, spend time with them, and be utterly spoiled by them)

For siblings who just get it

For a church that I’ve been fortunate enough to be with since it started

For work that I care about and enjoy doing (with people who are the most fun)

Thank you, thank you, thank you…

I turned 29 today. I was supposed to sleep in a bit, have a leisurely morning with my husband and little boy, rest while JR took his nap and Ross watched football, and then drop JR off with his grandparents so Ross and I could enjoy an evening out.

Not. So. Much.

Instead, I was ripped from my sleep at 2am by a screaming toddler with a fever. Then I was ripped from my sleep again a few hours later by the same toddler with an even higher fever. So, we spent the morning in the doctor’s office, wandering around Target while we waited for JR’s prescription to be filled (after a quick trip to Krispy Kreme to try and be festive), and heading home to rest. JR’s fever eventually spiked to 104.5 which led to a call to the doctor to find out exactly *when* I should freak out and continuous prayers that we wouldn’t be celebrating my birthday in the ER.

JR cried a pretty much all day and we watched A LOT of Winnie the Pooh, but his fever finally seemed to be under control by around 4pm. After escaping briefly running a quick errand, I came home to find this:

While I’m still bummed that my birthday celebration will have to wait until next week, coming home to this, my two boys sleeping soundly (and competing over who could snore the loudest), it made the destruction of our plans sting a little bit less.

So you might be all, “What happened to the rest of Staycation 2010?” Well, I ended up doing a wrap-up of the whole enchilada in an installment of Raising Richmond, the parenting column on RVANews. So head on over and take a look.

***

Work is going to be insane and non-stop until Christmas. And then it will be Christmas, which we all know is a pretty crazy time of the year. I’m trying to not get stressed out — you know, just plow on through. Yeah, that’s not working so well. I imagine much more wine will be consumed in this house over the coming fall months.

***

I’ve become mildly obsessed with the trainwreck that is the couple on Raising Sextuplets. It’s just so sad, and he’s so crazy…oh what a mess.

***

JR’s favorite activity as of late is letting us know who is a boy and who is a girl. For the last two days, when I’ve gone into his room to get him up for the day, he’s popped up, smiled, and said “Mama girl.”

***

How do we feel about Sister Wives? Are you as creeped out/hooked as I am?

On Wednesday we made the 15-minute drive up to the Bass Pro Shop (it’s this wilderness/fishing store/spectacle with catfish tanks…oh forget it, just trust that toddlers will love it) and then took a stroll around Ashland. For those of you not from Richmond, it’s a smaller town just north of us with a train track running straight through downtown; JR was beside himself.

Here you see JR and Ross sitting on the “fishy bench” outside of the store (after sampling goodies at the Fudge Shop — yeah, that’s right, they have one). Ross told JR to make “a funny face.”