Made in Richmond

Thank you, Internets. Thank you.

As my impending doom is the subject of much commentary on this here Internets, I thought I’d clarify something.

I am not afraid of pain. At all. In fact, I have a pretty high threshold for pain. Any yelps or tears come from not knowing what’s going or being startled. The thing I’m afraid of is not knowing exactly what’s going to happen in a situation.

This might stem from my slight tendency to demand complete control over everything. Maybe.

When I got my tattoo, the only thing that made me nervous was not knowing how *much* it was going to hurt. I knew it was going to hurt because, hello, it’s a tattoo, but I was constantly asking for a comparison. Like tetanus shot or cat scratch? Incidentally, he said “A cat scratch over and over again for an hour.” And he was correct.

A couple years ago, I had a mole removed from my belly. I asked the doctor to just make sure he explained everything was doing and give me an estimate of the pain. He told me the numbing agent would feel like a bee sting and that during the actual removal, I would just feel pressure and then pulling. Again, correct.

On the other side, when I had my ovarian nightmare this summer, that pain was neither expected nor understood. I did not expect to blackout while sitting across from Mary at Starlite and I didn’t understand why an invisible hot poker was stabbing me in my abdomen as I sat crying in Patient First. Once I knew what was going on, everything was manageable.

I just can picture myself during childbirth…

“So, will it be like a watermelon covered in fire? Or acid? Or fire and acid?”

So I have one of these:

Except mine is on my right hand. And mine is smaller. And I don’t have a man hand.

The technical term is “ganglion cyst” but I prefer the more colloquial “bible bump.” They call them “bible bumps” because the preferred method of removal was to smash it with a giant book. True story.

I’ve had it for a couple years and until recently, it didn’t hurt. I didn’t even realize what it was until Dr. Oz talked about it on Oprah - he even has one, too! They are harmless and actually pretty common in women. But, they can be painful and if so, they need to be removed.

So, early in the morning before work on February 13th, I will go to an orthopedic doctor who will INJECT A GIANT NEEDLE into this bump to make it go away. Because getting injected with giant needles always makes things better.

Friday: Work and what not. Off to dinner at Cirrus. Many, many drinks. Home to bed.

Saturday: Haircut. To Costco for $1.50 hot dog and soda combo. Quick stop at World Market and Best Buy. Home to relax before party out in the middle of nowhere. Off for drinks and snacks at Capital Ale House. Home to bed.

Sunday: Up and off to the gym. Lunch to celebrate my grandmother’s 97th birthday. Home to rest up for an afternoon off from church. Will run errands and get dinner soon.

Have a great week!

Anyone who is related to me, has lived with me, or spends an extended amount of time with me knows that I was the person they had in mind when they created this.

Of our two pups, Zapp is definitely of the lower maintenance variety. Shooter has seizures, is obsessed with static electricity, and runs away from remote controls because he knows THEY SOMETIMES FALL ON THE FLOOR AND MAKE NOISE OH NOES. On top of that, the first two months we were in this house, Shooter lost about 10 pounds (and we lost about $600 due to vet bills) because of a combination of being mildly allergic to flea preventatives, and the stress all of the moving brought to his life. Yes, I’m sure the prolonged closing process had him up nights.

Meanwhile, Zapp has never been taken to the vet for a sickness. She had an ear infection once that was discovered during a routine check up. Any other illnesses have been few and far between.

Few and far between, but always disgusting and life-stopping for approximately 6 hours.

Twice in her short, short life, Zapp has woken up with a catastrophic stomach issue. I will not go into what causes this because it is gross. But, the repercussions involve lots of throwing up and other things, sometimes all outside, and most recently, all of those things inside. Which was just great.

So, I spent the majority of New Year’s Day 2008 ushering her in and out of the house, soiling every extra towel in our house beyond laundering in my attempts to clean up various aftermaths, and trying to comfort my whimpering pup without getting anywhere near her.

Luckily, she was fine and just a little wobbly. Today she bounded out of her crate at full speed and ran into the closed door.

She’s back in action!

And now for your picture:

This is an example of how I did *not* comfort her on Tuesday. And this is an old picture because the camera is out of battery and the trip downstairs to recharge is SO FAR.

Once the holidays are over, the winter seems to lose some of its romance in my mind. I’m ready for flip-flops, open windows, and sitting outside when we go to brunch with the in-laws.

Most of all, I’m counting the weeks until the co-op starts again. I need some ruffage to counteract all of the rich, holiday goodness.

The Biggest Loser has only been on for 8 minutes, and I’ve already cried twice.

It’s going to be a long season.

I found out that simmering white vinegar for about 45 minutes works as an excellent on-the-fly air freshener.

I started my day with dog crap. Dog crap mixed with dog vomit. Tons of it. All in our office upstairs, not outside where it belongs.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!