Today my school kicked off it’s anual Fall Reading Celebration. This means that the kids are epxected to read aloud 20 minutes every night and if they do they get to participate in a party at the end of the month. We got everything started by having the teachers go around to different rooms and read aloud to the kids. I read the first chapter of Roald Dahl’s The Witches. This is an excellent choice because part of it warns children that even their lovely teacher who’s reading to them at that moment could be a witch. For the rest of the day the kids were looking at me with slit eyes and whispering about me as I passed. I think this will work to my advantage for a while.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. A lot of you know that my hubs and I don’t get to see each other a whole lot because we’re both really busy, what with our jobs, bible studies, beer drinking, and lateral thigh training. Consequently, I feel like I get more butterflies in my belly over my husband than a lot of marrieds do. So I just thought I’d share some reasons why, in no particular order.
1) He announces to the household (meaning me and our 2 dogs) when he has woken up. Seriously, he sits up and shouts, “I’m awake!”
2) He likes to hold his feet like they are hands with his fingers snuggled between his toes. He likes it even better when *I* hold his feet like that.
3) I mean, have you seen eyes prettier than his? If you think you have, shut up, cause you haven’t.
4) He puts a pillow next to his face while we watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition so I can’t see him cry.
5) He once chewed a hole in his remote control.
6) He cooks me dinner.
7) He makes sure that we’re always hugging when we pray together.
8) He tells me I look hot when he walks up to the house as I am digging in the dirt, covered in sweat, with my hair sticking up in a rather butch-like fashion.
9) He takes off his button up shirts over his head instead of unbuttoning them. This makes it easier for me when I do the laundry because I can just stick them on a hanger when I’m putting clothes away. Buttons can be quite difficult when you’ve got hands as small as mine.
10) He always has good intentions. Always.
11) He loves Richmond.
12) Whenever we go to a restaurant and I see something on the menu that I think sounds disGUSTing, 9 out of 10 times he will order that exact dish. It’s strange but comforting.
13) He freely admits that he loves our first dog more than our second. I appreciate the honesty, although I feel bad for our new puppy.
14) Whenever I have a question, he usually has an answer for it, or will find me the answer in under 5 minutes.
15) He understands that you are not late for movies, you do not talk in movies, and you do not allow your screaming children to stay in the theater.
16) He hides when I vaccuum.
17) He loves hanging out with his boys and he is excited for me when I get to hang out with my girls.
18) He’s good at making friends. I’m not good at making friends so this works out really well for me. I’ve met some of the best people in my life because he has set up situations for me to be around them.
19) He loves his parents like none other.
20) He loves me like none other, too.
Hearts to my hubs and to everyone else who knows and loves these things about him, too.
First we had the baggy pants law. Now this. No wonder people think Southerners are idiots.*
*As per Ross’s request, I will tip my hat to him in thanks for making me aware of this ridiculous situation.
This week has been a tough one in Hollywood. The disease of divorce (or the more convenient anullment) is running rampant through those beautiful hills and splashing the personal lives of our favorite people all over the news. And me, being the person that I am, read every detail of their personal pain that is accessible to the public. In doing so I am able to do two things for you: a) Let you know what happened and b) declare a winner.
Let’s start with the most short-lived of them all: Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney. Met in April, married in May, seeking annullment in September. One of them is known for having a puffy face that is permanently stuck in a “I just sucked on a lemon” contortion, while the other is known for wearing “second skin” jeans and a cowboy hat. He also has a big head. Maybe for the sake of procreation, it is better that this one is splitsville. WINNER: Gotta go with Renee on this one. The legal papers claim she is seeking the annullment due to fraud. That can never be good.
Next we have Chad Murray and Sophia Bush divorcing after 5 months. Who? Yeah I don’t care either. I hear they’re on some show on the WB. We don’t get that in Richmond so, so what?
Moving on to Tori Spelling and her husband Mr. Tori Spelling, divorcing after 14 months. Met doing a play together and Daddy forked over $1 million + for the star studded nuptials. WINNER: Tie. Tori won’t have to keep explaining to people why she married someone who wasn’t a bazillionaire and Mr. Tori Spelling won’t have to keep looking at her big ol’ head anymore.
Now let’s discuss Jamie-Lynn “It’s a double name” Discala (formerly Siegler) and her hubby/manager A.J., separating after 2 years. First of all, she’s celebrity who took her husband’s name. That’s pretty much a sign that it’s not gonna work out: e.g. Susan Sarandon (no longer married to Chris Sarandon but in a relationship with Tim Robbins), Faith Hill (no longer married to whoever it was that had the last name Hill but currently married to Tim McGraw), and Rebecca Romijin-Stamos who had to go through all of the hoopla of adding and then removing the Stamos after her marriage had “run its course.” Second of all, Jamie-Lynn’s married to her boss. Girls dont’ really like that. The couple has hinted at the possibility of a reconcilliation, so no winner can be declared yet. And beside, they seem pretty cute and normal, so we’ll keep our fingers crossed.
Perhaps the most shocking recent split is “comediene/red carpet correspondent” Kathy Griffin’s decision to file for divorce from her husband of 4 years, Matt Moline, a software engineer. I call it shocking because , I mean, Kathy Griffin is pretty annoying so I would think she’d wanna hang on to anyone who likes hanging out with her. WINNER: Another tie. She gets more publicity and he doesn’t have to be married to Kathy Griffin anymore.
That’s all for now. But it’s only Tuesday and I’m sure new stories of shocking celebrity splits will pop up on People.com or imdb by tomorrow morning.
I walked into school today feeling less crappy than usual for several reasons: I had a new green sweater on, my hair was looking especially stylish, and my pointy black shoes had been sufficiently broken in, almost to the point of comfort. However, this good mood was only to be damaged by the following conversation with our new male (ewww) fifth grade teacher:
Him: Hey, Val.
Me: Hey there. How was your weekend?
Him: Good, yours?
Me: It was ok, but I didn’t get much rest. But it was fun.
Him: Yeah, you look tired.
Him: I mean, no offense, but you’re not looking so good today. Are you ok?
Me: (hmmmming and hawing, trying to act like I feel as bad as I apparently look) I’m ok, but I think I might be coming down with something. You know these kids, they’re really germie.
He exits. I stand there mortified. I know I shouldn’t be so effected (or affected, I never know which one it is) by his inocuous and ultimately good-intentioned comment, but I ultimately ended the day feeling like crap. So, as rule, friends, don’t mention that someone looks like crap unless they say they feel that way.
I have spent many a Wednesday night with my good friend i heart dorks scouring the pages of U.S. Weekly and People magazine, judging celebs and watching MTV. Looking back, I realized that while our conversations tended to be heavy on the Britney Spears speculations (i.e., why is her hair so gross, why is she gestating in her arms, and how has she descended so rapidly into white trashdom?) a lot of our time was spent talking about Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff. It was decided early that since Lindsay Lohan looked like she smells like hotdogs that the Duffster was the front runner in the race for our sought-after support and endorsement. However, I must admit that my opinions have changed and I’ve swayed the other way. Case in point:
Hillary Duff circa winter, early 2005:
Cut to September 2005 and we have this:
Now I don’t wanna be mean or judgemental (even though those are two things I am very good at) but seriously, did she think we weren’t gonna notice? So, I’m left with no choice but to declare my support for the Lohan side.
Today I made my students sit with their heads down in the dark while I went out into the hallway and threw a silent but frantic fit. Throughout the halls of my school today you probably would have seen several other teachers doing the same thing. With the changing of the seasons, or the moon, or really just the wind speed, young children can change from being perfect little angels to these high maintenance, verbal vomitting, absurd life suckers. Allow me to give you a glimpse of what I encountered today:
a. Two boys screaming at each other over whether it was, in fact, a “u” or an “a” written on one of their spelling tests
b. A girl falling out of her chair, underneath her desk, and flipping over the chair of the person in front of her
c. A young man with blood dripping from his nose and onto his desk, sitting calmly with his head held back and his hand raised stoically in the air. This wasn’t particularly annoying but amazingly ridiculous in the fact that he, the child bleeding from the head, was the only one being quiet
d. A lad systematically pulling apart and eating last night’s grammar worksheet
e. Another friend getting glitter on his face and in his eye during music class WHERE NO GLITTER WAS BEING USED
By the end of the day I was convinced that I was the problem, that I had lost complete control and should quit on the spot. I went to the teacher next door to me to apologize for having to hear me yell a day. To that she replied, “Oh, honey, I couldn’t hear a thing because I was too busy yelling at these little idiots.” Once we got all of the munchkins on their buses, all of the teachers convened in the hallway looking substantially haggard and in need of a stiff magarita. Just by looking at each other we realized that it must have been something in the air that made all of our children insane. Then I went home, ate French Bread Pizza with the Hubs, and graded some papers under my comforter. Somehow that made it better. But I’m not gonna lie; I’m kinda scared to go into work tomorrow, what with the hurricane coming. The change in air pressure might send them even further over the edge. Sigh.
So yeah , I’ve been thinking about this whole Taylor Behl thing going on in Richmond. Being that I am a selfish, self-centered twenty-something, I automatically assume what I would do if I were ever abducted. My optimistic side is clearly convinced that I would escape and quickly find a pay phone. But that’s where I’m really screwed. Due to the luxuries of cell phone technology, I actually only know 5 phone numbers. They include the following:
a. My parents’ old house that they don’t live in anymore
b. My friend Matt’s parents’ house
c. My friend Matthew’s parents’ house
d. My hair salon
e. The Call 12 hotline to get information about school closings.
Hopefully if something happens to me, my friends’ parents will be able to help me out. Naturally of course you’re asking, “Well, Valerie, why don’t you just call the police?” That of course would be the logical thing to do, but it doesn’t play well into my dramatic scenario. So now I’m going to write down any important numbers I need and keep it in my wallet. I’m sure my kidnappers will be nice enough to let me fish it out before they carry me off in a burlap sack. Thank you and good night!